The famous saying, we here while growing up in our desi households “log Kya kahenge”
This makes me talk about the above topic. Why we feel the need to be liked by others, to be approved by others. Whenever we take any decisions in our life as simple as what to wear or how to look to the major life choices about the choice of career, companions, number of kids. Why our major criteria is people’s approval?
Let’s see the other side of the story.
Anyone who is critical is very unhappy inside. They are very bitter inside. They just cannot be nice because they are unwell emotionally. These are the people who need our kindness. If you want to radiate kindness to them, you have to protect yourself from their negativity. The easiest way to protect yourself self from their negativity immediately creates a thought in your mind that this negative comment coming from this person is not about me is about them. For that, you should think the same way even you get appreciated. This appreciation is not about me it’s about them, they are nice positive people with good hearts, so they are seeing goodness in me.
“BE STABLE IN FAME AND DEFAMATION”. It’s like a pendulum, if you get swayed in appreciation, then definitely you will get affected with criticism. If you are stable in appreciation then you will be untouched by criticism. The core thought behind this is “know where you stand”, and be confident with it. If this is clear in your mind and heart then any kind of criticism will not make you fall.
So, if someone is being critical to you, then remember they are in pain. Don’t consume their pain, but check the line where they are in sync. Suppose I go to a sister and say that “you don’t know how to sit, why are you stooping down? they are so many people here what will they say” now what I am trying to say is good for her, for her spine, for her appearance. But, the way I am saying it’s not going to allow her to take that advice. Because she will consume my pain get hurt. when you feel pain any kind of advice doesn’t work. So we need to practice this. Detach with pain, take advice if you feel it’s useful. Accept it or else forget it. Take advice or comments as a gift if you like it accept it, if not then keep it in the cupboard and pass it to others. Thinking that this was not better for me but could be better for someone else if packaged nicely.
Accept the fact, I need nothing from people. This means I am not going to stand in the position seeking appreciation, approval, acceptance from people. With this mindset criticism too wouldn’t affect me. Self-confidence is the key.
We literally seek approval for almost everything in life. Let’s talk about the most common situation. Going to a party. We open the wardrobe while selecting our dress, what are the basic criteria of our selection. “Will my friends appreciate it?” “Did I wore the same piece in front of them last time?” “Will I be the talk of the party?” “Will my friends criticize my brand selection?”. Liking that piece of this or loving the look of the dress on me would be the last priority. So now, I have selected the dress which I think the people will approve and love and I walk into the party. What now? I wait…….
Nobody is talking about it; I send vibrations of seeking approval. Still, nobody seems to notice it. I think that I have spent a good amount on buying that dress. I choose that dress believing that the world will like it and when no one says anything you start talking about their dress so that at least the topic of the dress comes out. Now if somehow a person criticizes about the dress you are wearing, the dress which you wore only to be liked by others. Is not liked but criticize, then what you do. We start doubting our self. Then we find a person to seek endorsement and ask for approval and if that person approves you, like you then we get a sigh of relief. What we do next? We start talking, bitching about the person who has criticized you. You start feeling good when you realize that the person who has not approved you is wrong. Now start the vicious cycle of creating pain, radiating hate in a world where we need to be kind to each other. This all wouldn’t even have started if at all the criteria of deciding would solely be YOU. Loved by YOU, liked by YOU, and YOU feel comfortable in it.
This is how our mindset works. How much we are standing for the approval of others. To be liked by others. This doesn’t stop here. It goes from what we are wearing, to how I am living how am I working how I am as a wife, mother, etc… we need public approval for each and everything.
Is it necessary that people like you? No, if you choose a path that is hated by all but liked by you, go for it. Accept it, own it, take full authority of it. Even if the whole world is on one side and you are alone standing with your decision which you feel is right. So, you need only one person’s approval that is ME MY Myself
Changing the way, you think plays a very important role here. Owning anything may it be the smallest thing ever or any big decision. It should be only when YOU need it. Just simple things will shift your life to simplicity and will give you mental sanity. If you want to live a life of simplicity all that you need to do is to keep the criteria of choice of only one person that is ME, MYSELF.
While reading this one question might pop up in your mind. “The whole world cannot be wrong.” To this, I would say even if everyone is on one side and they may be right. What is right for them need not be right for you. Your definition of right and wrong will only be checked by you. No hard feelings for the one who gives you suggestions, but that doesn’t mean I am going to succumb to their definition of right and shift to join the wagon. If at all I get influenced by others and make a decision, and then if at all it doesn’t work out with me. Then the battle of BLAME GAME starts. The person with a powerful mind and soul will have the strength to stand alone.
Taking responsibility for your decision and not being aware of what the consequences would be. It might be right for you now but ten years down the line you might regret it. With this, you would not spread the negativity of failure to others. As it was your decision, you choose it, you are responsible for the consequences of it. if you make a decision without checking your own conscience to check what is right for you, and then if the consequences are not favorable. My finger immediately goes to the person. You will be living the life of a victim. Blaming people for your life. So every decision has to be approved by you.
You have to check what is healthy for your body mind and soul, because if you get into this habit of peer pressure. You will try and impose that even on your family. When your child wants to take a decision we say “what will people say?”. people will not come with you to face the consequences of your decision. So make the people you love comfortable and confidant of their choices.
Start giving liberty to the world to say what they want. I understand it’s your perspective. I am calm because that’s the way I have trained my mind and heart. I am calm because I did not allow my mind to get affected by their negativity. So, with this state of mind even though they have not been nice to me I am kind to myself.
We get disturbed when people don’t talk nice about us. When a person comes and says “do you know what everybody is talking about you”. Simply say No. why should we want to know what everybody is talking about us. They are just discussing their perspective about me. It’s their choice to form an image of us and talk. We don’t need to hear it. because more we hear more we will question ourselves. So say what you want, do what you want, and be what you want. Understand it’s about your state of mind right now. I am calm. I am kind to myself, I am going to be kind to that person too.
If I am hurt, if I am upset all the negativity will radiate to them. So if someone and criticizes me. I will create hurt, then my hurt will radiate to them because I believe she is the cause of my pain. She is already in pain and that’s why he was criticizing. I create hurt and radiate pain. I add pain to his pain. Someone who is insecure, someone who is already jealous will not have any nice thing to say.
So, ladies, it’s very important for us to understand that the energies of people around us is about what state of mind they are in. protect ourselves, be calm and kind to them. With this we will not be adding their pain, we will be healing them.
By Sadhaf Zoya